Now we have to get a clown.
Mahogany?
Sweetie, aren't you hungry?
Why doesn't she say anything?
Can't she speak English, for Christ's sake?
Don't talk about her like she's not in the room.
Well, she might as well not be.
She understands us.
She's just a little shy.
Mahogany.
What's my name?
Me.
What's my name?
Looks like we got a lemon.
Geri, how dare you.
"She speaks three different languages
and she plays the violin."
Huh? Huh?
Oh, hi, and this is our daughter Mahogany.
She doesn't say or do anything.
Come on, sweetie.
It's time for bed.
You and I are going to have a little chit-chat later.
Super, Tom. Living for it.
"And even though her real mommy and daddy
"didn't want her
"the special little girl knew that her new parents
"were ever so happy to have her in their lives.
The end."
Did you like that?
Okay.
First day.
Things'll get better.
Boop.
I'm not speaking to you, remember?
Uh-oh. Is that contagious?
Why can't you give it a chance?
I am.
No, you're not. You're being an ass.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just not used to the whole thing yet.
Well, neither am I, Ger
but I'm going to give it a try.
Well, then I will too.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mm! Mm!
Ger, wait, wait, wait.
What about...?
Who cares? She's asleep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Oh, ah.
Ah, yeah.
Oh, yes, Tom.
Yeah, fuck me.
Oh, fuck my hole.
Shh. Shh.
She's gonna hear you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on.
Oh.
Fuck it good!
What's wrong?
I'm not gonna do it if you're gonna keep yelling like that.
Okay, fine.
Why don't we just stop having sex, too?
What was that?
Mahogany!
Mahogany!!
Mahogany?
Ma-- Oh my God, is she in the pool?
Mahogany?
Mahogany!
Oh. Oh, my God.
What on earth are you doing out here ?
There. Comfy cozy.
Now, Mahogany
we don't go outside unless there's an adult to supervise.
You sleep here.
In your nice bed
with your pretty Ralph Lauren sheets
that we bought special just for you.
Okay?
Okay, Daddy.
Maybe later you can come and finger-fuck me.
Geri, that's disgusting.
Don't even joke about that.
You know those people at Child Services
would love any excuse to take our Mahogany from us.
I've heard stories about them watching gay couples.
Spying on them, tapping their phone lines.
Oh, so now the house is bugged.
You never know.
We would never finger-fuck Mahogany.
We love our mute black child.
- Get out. - What?
I've had enough. Get out now.
Fine.
You'll have to excuse Geri.
He was raised in a cynical, loveless
low-income home in New Jersey.
Anyway, you need to get some sleep.
You've got a big day ahead of you.
No outside, Mahogany.
Stay.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I didn't know what to get.
So where is the little rug rat anyway?
Where's Mahogany?
- What? - Hi.
Where's Mahogany?
I don't know.
Chuckles is going to leave in, like, 10 minutes.
Who the hell is Chuckles?
The clown, Ger.
Eww. Creepy.
Come on.
What?
Help me find her.
This is unacceptable behavior, Mahogany.
You're gonna have to learn to be social
if you want to fit into this world.
Mahogany, it? fun.
Look at the other children, okay?
Take your cues off of them. Sit in the chair.
Daddy, daddy, look at the cute possum.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ.
Needless to say, the party was ruined.
I doubt we'll ever see any of those people again.
I thought it was kind of cool.
I mean, she was like, Shaka fucking Zulu.
Ger.
Gen calm down.
Get serious here.
Do you know anything about Mahogany's family upbringing ?
Not really.
She's from some remote part of Africa or something.
Yeah, and she doesn't speak. Ever.
It's been two weeks, and she hasn't said a single word.
Well, that's actually fairly common for a child from
an emotionally malnourished environment.
It's going to take time for you to gain her trust.
How long?
Oh, l don't know, really.
I mean, it could be weeks, months
even in some cases years.
Years? Well, that's bullshit.
We didn't spend over $15,000
on an African mute with a penchant
for exterminating small feral animals.
Ger, calm down.
You're hurting Mahogany's feelings.
Hell0 ?
Hey, it's me. How's it going?
It's going, I guess.
How? Mahogany?
Oh, she's fine.
She's hiding in her fucking bushes, as usual.
Maybe you two could go to the park or something?
And watch her stone one of the kids to death?
Pass.
Come on, Ger.
Dr. Shelley said to get her out of the house
as much as possible.
Quality time is so important.
Okay, fine, Tom. Stop badgering me.
I wasn't badgering you.
Okay, fine. We're going. Later.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, really?
Dude, you're making me hard.
Right now?
No, no, l can't.
No, I've got the kid, and--
You would?
Okay. Okay, 20 minutes.
Mahogany!
? Hey, baby ?
? It's gonna be all right ?
? Hey, baby, gonna love you all night ?
? All night long ?
? I'm going to sing this song ?
Faggot!
Breeder!
? I need to see the sun ?
? Love 's in your eyes ?
? The love we share ?
? it turns me upside down ??
Mahogany, sweetie.
I'm going to go on inside for a little while
and you are going to stay right here.
Okay?
Hey, hon.
Oh, hi.
Hi. How was your day?
Fine, thanks.
Where's Mahogany?
I don't know what's wrong with her.
She's cracked out of her mind.
That's what's wrong with her.
You gave our daughter crystal meth.
How in the hell did she get her hands on narcotics?
Tell me.
I don't know.
You tell me.
I had a little in my car, okay?
Big fucking deal. You've done it before, too.
I didn't give it to a 7-year-old child.
At the park?
Where did you go?
The park.
I don't buy it.
Well, I ain't sellin' anything.
Let me smell it.
Fuck Off.
You are not smelling my cock.
Let me smell it, Ger.
Let me smell it!
Faggot.
Did she just say what I think she said?
Faggot. Faggot.
Okay. You should have everything you need here--
bottles of water
first-aid kit
crackers.
Oh, and PowerBars
which should last you quite a while.
So... be careful.
And stay away from those mountain lions.
I heard they're nasty.
Okay.
All right.
Liza. Liza.
Come on, Liza.
Liza.
Oh, Liza.
Crow to catfish, crow to catfish. Do you copy?
Come on, guys. I'm not playing anymore.
I'm not playing anymore. You caught me.
The game isn't over yet, Abdul.
My name isn't Abdul. it's Jeffrey.
Your name is Abdul.
You Te an al-Qaeda operative
with plans to commit heinous acts of terrorism.
And you must be killed.
No.
SpongeBob's gonna show you how he guts a fish.
I can't do it.
Look over there.
See what happens when you run?
Oh, stop crying, you big baby.
What should we do with him?
The old tree.
Jeffrey!
Jeffrey, your mother is here!
What a coward.
Oh, there's Mommy.
What happened?
They tried hanging me from a tree.
Aw, they were just playing hide and go seek.
Hide and go seek?
Yeah.
Look at him. He's shaking.
Aw.
Where are their parents?
Oh, they're out of town.
- Again? - Yeah.
I want the number for their hotel.
This is ridiculous.
I'm so sorry.
I don't-- I don't think I have their number.
What kind of parents don't leave a number
where they can be reached?
Well, tell them they can expect a call from my attorney.
Uh, okay. All right.
Well, thanks so much for coming.
Bye.
I love your jeans.
Did his mom get mad?
Of course. She fucking freaked.
She's going to call her lawyers. Enjoy that.
Big deal.
Oh, check it out.
I'm going to be having some company here tonight.
So I'm going to need you guys to fuck off
like good little Children.
Okay? Dig?
Right. All right.
Did you wanna kill this?
All right I'll fucking kill it.
Louisa.
Hm?
What is she doing?
Praying to her dead baby.
What's in her hand?
The umbilical cord.
Why does she keep it?
I don't know.
I guess it is all that she has left.
I think it's gross.
Me 100.
Jezebel, shut the fuck up!
I fucking hate that bird.
Why aren't you dressed for school?
We don't have school today.
What?
It's Martin Luther King Day.
Oh. Hey, that was, like, a month ago.
Part Two.
Fine. Don't go to school.
Grow up stupid. See if I fucking care.
I don't speak your language, maid.
Stop laughing.
I said stop laughing, you fucking bitch!
What?
I just realized that you've been going to see Dr. Shelley
for like a year--
and I don't know why.
Why do people climb Everest?
To prove something useless
to no one in particular, obviously.
Wrong. Because it's there.
Oh, my Gad. I've never heard that one.
Be cynical, if that gets you through the day, Mary Jane.
Ugh, you're so annoying.
Nicholas.
When they leave, how does that make you feel?
How come you never have me lay down on the chair?
I've told you before, I only use the chair
when I'm engaging clients in free association.
Have you ever had sex on the chair?
When they leave, how does that make you feel?
I bet you want to have sex on the chain
Nicholas.
Your accent is fake, isn't it?
Don't you realize I can see through this whole show?
You're wasting our time together.
You may as well not even come here at all.
I had a dream about them.
They were on a beach somewhere
near the French Riviera, I think.
They seemed happy.
Then I rose out of the ocean
like the great kraken from ancient Greek mythology.
I plucked them from their beach chairs
and I ripped their limbs off
like-- like they were little insects.
They were screaming and begging for mercy
but that only made me angrier.
So I crushed their heads between my fingers.
And then...
I ate them.
Okay.
Right. Right.
We've quite a bit of work to do on you, don't we?
What's wrong with her?
The umbilical cord is gone.
You mean that nasty thing she keeps in there?
Who'd want to take that?
You!
What?
Yes, you. You take it.
Are you crazy?
You are the devil.
Hey. Hey.
What the fuck is all the screaming about?
What's wrong with her?
Somebody stole her baby's umbilical cord.
Who-- her what?
She keeps it in her jewelry box.
She kisses it when she prays.
Am I tripping on acid right now
or are we talking about a stolen fucking umbilical cord?
She thinks I took it.
Who cares?
It's unsanitary
keeping shit like that in a house.
Louisa, please tell her to get over it.
That's what photos are for. Jesus Christ.
She is crazy. She should be committed.
But she's not lying. It is gone.
That means somebody in this house stole it, right?
True.
- Gracias. - I know.
We put everyone who could've taken
the umbilical cord on the stand.
It'll be just like Court TV.
Only real.
I'll be the judge.
Trevor, you can be the court reporter.
And Colby, you'll be the bailiff.
What's a bailiff?
He's the one with the gun-
Cool.
Colby
you may show the suspects to the courtroom.
Be seated.
As you all know, a crime was committed yesterday
theft, to be precise.
The item in question
is one umbilical cord
belonging to Miss Blanca Juarez
and her deceased son, Fernando Guadalupe Juarez.
Order!
There will be no outbursts of emotion
in this courtroom.
Thank you.
Now, all of the possible suspects are in this room.
And by the end of this inquisition
we shall hopefully get to the bottom
of this heinous act.
I shall now call on our first suspect, Tak.
Though you work outside the house
it is not fair to rule you out
as a possible suspect
and it is entirely possible
that you may harbor secret reasons
for stealing the umbilical cord.
Perhaps, a scorned love?
He doesn't speak English, shitbird.
Well, can anyone translate?
Oh, yeah, actually, I can.
Ni-hah, ching, ching, ching, ching
zing, zing, zing, Szechuan Palace.
He didn't take it.
Tak, you're excused from the court.
Miss Alvarez.
Where were you between the hours of 8:00 a.m.
and 9:00 p.m. yesterday?
Here in the house.
And what is your occupation?
I am the housekeeper.
What does that entail?
Oh, my God, don't be an asshole, Nicholas.
Just get to the fucking point. We all know what she does.
Fine. Louisa, did you take the umbilical cord?
No.
Why not?
What would I do with it?
That will be all.
Save the speech.
Did I take it? NO.
I wouldn't even touch anything that disgusting.
And for the record, I don't get it.
Like, what, your mom dies or, like, your cat
and you hack its foot off
and put it in a shoebox as a keepsake?
I don't think so.
Okay, now that that's out of the way
there's only one person left.
Why is she here?
She can't steal what is belonging to her.
Can 't doesn't exist in a court of law
until proven so, Louisa-
I call Blanca Juarez to the stand.
Miss Juarez, how did your baby die ?
Nicholas--
This is a vital part of my interrogation.
Please answer the question.
Um, I watching the baby.
And the hair-- the hair...
Como se llama the hair--?
Hair dryer?
Yes.
It fall into the water
and I tried to grab it.
I scream
but nobody come.
And I couldn't do anything.
That's a very sad story, Miss Juarez.
Yes.
I just have to ask you
one more very important question.
Okay.
Did you murder your baby?
What?
All right. Game over, Nicholas.
I even draw the line somewhere.
She did. I swear. Look.
These are from her boyfriend in El Salvador
the baby's father.
He was cheating on her.
Hey hey hey hey hey.
Where did you get those?
In your room.
I was just going to borrow the umbilical cord.
You stole it?
Borrowed. Just to piss her off
Then I found the letters-
You killed your baby!
No!
- You were jealous. - No.
You wanted to punish your boyfriend.
You wanted to take away the one thing he really loved
because he didn't love you.
So you put your baby in the bathtub
and threw the hair dryer into it.
You electrocuted him to death.
You killed your baby.
Didn't you? Didn't you?
Ah, yes. Sė! Sė. Sė. Sė. Sė. Sė.
Okay.
Ay, caramba.
Fuck me.
Blanca?
What's the number again? For 911?
Can I speak to a human, please?
You guys!
Guys, go see what he's shouting about.
Are they going to give her the chair?
Just--I don't know.
Can you go-- to the-- brother?
What?
Guess it's time to get a new maid.
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
J Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
? Dashing through the snow ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
? O'er the fields we go ?
? Laughing all the way ?
? Bells on bobtail ring ?
? Making spirits bright ?
? What fun it is to laugh ?
? And sing our sleighing song tonight ?
? Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ?
Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
? A day or two ago ?
? I thought I 'd take a ride ?
? And soon Miss Fannie Bright ?
? Was seated by my side ?
? The horse was lean and lank ?
? Misfortune seemed his lot ?
? We got into a drifted bank ?
? And then we got upsot ?
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ?
? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
? In a one-horse open sleigh ?
? Jingle bells, jingle bells ?
? Jingle all the way ??
Hello?
Yes, this is Sara Cotton.
No, I don't read the paper.
No, thank you.
U Damn ?
? I wish I was your lover ?
? I'd rock you till the daylight comes ?
? Make sure you are smiling and warm ?
? I am everything ?
? Tonight I'll be your mother, I'll do-- ?
Robert.
Robert Kane.
Robert.
Did a customer leave that behind?
No.
I found it this morning.
On the sidewalk.
Well, that's a stroke of bad luck.
Ah, it's already 2:00.
Look, Sarah, you better take your lunch now.
We have three boxes in the back left to unpack.
I want those done before five.
You are going to return that, aren't you?
Yes.
Well, it's a form of theft, you know.
Keeping something that doesn't belong to you.
I'm going to go to the post office
and I'm going to mail it to the address that's on the license.
Good girl.
I'll be back by 3.
Okay.
Yeah, what?
Is Robert here?
What do you want with him?
I'm a friend of his.
A friend?
Yes. Is he here?
No, he's at work.
I seem to have forgotten where that is.
Solly's Pizza over on Lankershim.
On Lankershim, that's right.
How do you know my son?
Car trouble.
I had a flat.
He helped me Out with it.
I just wanted to thank him again.
Well, that's grand.
Maybe you can ask him to help his mother pay the rent.
I won't take any more of your time. Thank you.
Well, who shall I say stopped by?
Do you want this for here?
Lady.
Here?
Uh, yes. Yes, I'll have it for here. Thank you.
De nada.
Fucking traffic.
They didn't tip me shit.
Hey, at least you get a tip-
Yeah, well, barely anything.
Hey, what's the matter, Puto? You sick?
No, I'm fine.
Go get a mop.
Why? Why me?
Because I'm busy. Go get a mop.
Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm such a klutz.
You look familiar.
You wouldn't happen to be Robert Kane, would you?
I guess not.
You just look like this guy
who accidentally left his wallet
at my house last night.
I've been meaning to return it.
I'm just having a hard time tracking him down.
I went by his house--
What do you want?
Look, I don't know you, lady
so you should probably just leave, okay?
You don't know me?
What the fuck do you want, huh?
I just want to return your wallet.
Then do it.
Not here.
Do you like pizza?
Of course you do.
You work around pizzas all day, so you must.
There 's a Shakey's near my house-
A block away.
Meet me there at 8:30.
Do you remember where I live?
Well, I'm late for work.
I have to go.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
You're not hungry?
I'm famished.
I usually eat like around six.
Six-thirty the latest.
I like coming here.
The food is good, the people are nice.
I usually come here on Thursdays.
They have the free salad bar.
Otherwise, I just eat at home.
Sandwiches, mostly.
I like to watch TV while I'm eating.
I like to watch, um, you know
Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight.
I don't watch the news, though.
It's sad, so it just depresses me.
I just wait for the weather report.
That way I just know whether it's going to be an S day or a T day.
What is that, S day?
A sweater or a T-shirt day.
Do you want a bite?
No, thanks.
It's not good anyway today.
It's too much dressing.
It makes everything soggy and icky.
I think the new people that they have working here
are not that motivated, if you know what I mean?
So, Robert.
Do you go by a nickname?
Or just plain Robert?
My dad used to call me Bucky
but that was before I had braces.
My friends just call me Rob, I guess.
Hmm.
Your friends call you Rob.
I like that.
I like Robert better.
I don't know. it's more--
It's more masculine.
More dignified.
It's kind of like Robert Redford.
You know, he doesn't go by Bobby Redford.
I've seen him on TV. I haven't seen him--
Sarah.
I know. I know.
I'm talking too much. I'm sorry.
I'm nervous. I--
It's okay.
Uh, I just have to get to work early tomorrow.
Do pizza places open early in the morning?
It's funny. You never think about things like that.
You know?
But maybe, I don't know.
Maybe people like pizza in the morning.
Do you like pizza in the morning, Robert?
This has all been really nice.
Okay? All this.
But I need my stuff.
Your stuff?
Yeah, my stuff. My wallet.
Remember?
Oh. Your wallet.
Yes. My wallet. Remember?
Okay.
I don't have it.
What?
No. I mean I don't have it here with me.
It's back at my house.
I-- I thought that if-- if dinner went well
maybe you wanted to come by and spend some time.
Just a little bit. We can play a game.
Do you like Uno?
We don't have to play Uno.
It gets boring, anyway. I have Jenga, too.
But that's a game that scares me.
I'm always the one to drop all the pieces.
Lady, what-- what is-- what is this?
Why are you doing this?
Doing what?
This. What is it? Look, do you want me to apologize?
Do you have some fucking guys at your place
waiting to do something to me, is that it?
You mean hurt you?
Oh, my gosh.
What then? Huh?
I just wanted to spend some time with you, that's all.
I don't know. I'm just really confused right now.
I can't even tell you how confused I am.
Do you want to leave?
Let's leave. We're not having any fun here.
It's funny, I know.
People usually go Dutch on a first date
but I'm a little old-fashioned.
Thank you, kind sir.
You ready?
I won.
I'm sorry. It's not nice to laugh
at another person's misfortune.
Well, that's it. The game's over, I guess.
I know. It was fun, huh?
Is that your girlfriend?
Who?
Your phone keeps ringing.
I thought it was your girlfriend.
I don't have a girlfriend.
I bet she's really pretty.
You know, long legs and beautiful hair
just like on TV.
I just said I don't have a girlfriend.
Really?
Why not?
I bet girls would love to date you.
Maybe you're not understanding me.
But I have to go, okay?
So give me the wallet.
Do you want to play another game?
My wallet, please.
Why don't we watch a movie?
I have The Little Mermaid on DVD.
- Give me the wallet. - Too girlie, right?
What about Big?
Give me the fucking wallet!
I'm not gonna--
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I just want my shit. And, and I can go.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Great.
? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?
Where is it?
Huh?
Look, I don't know what kind
of fucked-up headcase you are.
I don't really give a shit. I just want my license back.
Give it to me.
Give it to me!
You think this is fucking funny?
Huh? You fucking crazy bitch. What is it?
No! No!
What is that?
What do you want from me, huh?
What do you want?
I want you to do it again.
What?
That's-- that's sick.
That is Sick.
Don't say that.
Do it please. Please rape me.
Please don't-- No. No.
No, come on, please.
Please! Rape me!
Hurt me! Hurt me! Hurt me. Yes. Yes!
You want me to fuck you?
Yes!
Fucking--Fucking crazy bitch!
Is this what you want, huh?
Yes.
Fuck you.
What are you doing?
You can't stop.
You can't leave!
Get the fuck off me!
Don't leave!
Please don't leave.
What the--
Please stay. Please stay.
Please don't leave me!
You crazy bitch! Get off of me!
Don't leave me! Don't go!
Get off of me!
Don't leave me!
Get back!
Don't go.
I would hate to share my dad with anybody.
I keep washing. it won't go away.
She is cracked out of her mind.
That's what's wrong with her.
You gave our daughter crystal meth.
You killed your baby.
Didn't you ? Didn't you?
Give me the fucking wallet!
Rape me!